A sparkling recoverer?

So, I have been debating on whether or not to write this blog post. It has taken every last inch of me, to decide to do so. This is a subject that is really personal to me, especially because not a lot of people know about me.  I know a lot of people out there will have different views, but hey that’s what blogs and opinions are for right?

So, some of you lovely people, may or may not that know that I’ve have been diagnosed with severe anorexia, last year. If you didn’t, then I am currently stressing over the fact that I just opened a door….anyway,
I have been battling an eating disorder for the past three years, however, thanks to the support of my amazing family, especially my amazing sister’s. Lisa who actually helped me get in contact with the eating disorder clinic, I’m seeking help.
Right now though, it’s a lot of stress. Being threatened by hospitalization and pulled out of education,  being weighed FIVE times a week, spoken down to by mean dietician’s who clearly don’t understand me, …to her it’s just a ”job”.  Lets be honest, isn’t anyone’s idea of fun. Especially not mine.  So at the moment, the treatment isn’t exactly beneficial.

My family and friends have been amazing….none of them has judged or abandon me when I need picked up off the ground, which I can shamefully say, happens. I have lost quite a few friends throughout this process…due to them not knowing the real truth and I myself, having to cancel plans with them as I have heart tracings, blood tests, weigh ins, therapy sessions and diet plan meetings most of the week. I feel if they knew though, they still wouldn’t get understand…

Which is why I’m writing this post….
I logged onto my email last night to find a blog following me, titled ”FIT-SPIRATION PRO ANA STYLE” They asked me to follow their blog, as they…

”know how it is important to an Anorexic like me, how beautiful and normal it is, to have a gap between my thighs, thin hair, ribs poking out, fortruding hip bones, knobbly knees, dull skin,….”

This disgusting blog, supports Anorexia and all other eating disorders, as a ”positive” thing to have. They portray a message that is it ”OK’‘ to be disordered and sickly, that it is

”perfectly normal to look the way we do…”

Angry and hurt, I deleted their blog, until another one followed me on twitter, with the same messege.

I am absolutely disgusted that there is actual people out there, who are Pro ”Anorexia” ”Pro Ana’s” they call themselves, teaching innocent, healthy, people how to have an ”eating disorder”.

What people do not seem to understand is, you don’t just wake up one day and decide,

”hm…today I will not eat, today I will starve myself because I want to be thin. Thin is beautiful”

It is just down to sheer ignorance that people believe, eating disorder sufferers think this way. It is more deeper than just about food and starving yourself. It is a ”mental illness” It is not something that can just be fixed overnight. If this was the case then, 1.6 million in the UK alone, suffering from an eating disorder, would be recovered. We simply can’t just switch it on or off, or tell you as to why we’re like this.

In fact for some, it takes years upon years of pure and utter torture, therapy and strength to be ”recovered” and even then, some of us don’t even recover 100%. There is still that horrible voice, niggling away in the back of your head, telling you how worthless you are.

Anorexia and other form of eating disorders, is a deathly disease that should not be ”advertised as a good thing” I am completely horrified and upset that there is people like that out there, especially following me or some other pure innocent soul, who’s just beginning to develop it.
It’s disgusting and those people should be ashamed of themselves. I would not wish this illness on my worst enemy, it is life destroying and a daily battle, each and everyday. I myself, am still struggling to cope on ”recovery”. All I can do for now is love all those people and thank them, who has stood by me for this long, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now, if it wasn’t for them. Especially my mum, she is my best friend, my rock, my angel, my role model in this world….she has picked me up so many times, it is unreal, the strength that just radiates from her. She is there for EVERYONE, no matter who you are. I know the stress this is for her, anyone for that matter. The fact that she battles everyday along with me, listening to my cries, holds me when I can’t even hold myself sometimes…makes me inspire to even be an inch of who she is. I love you mum, thank you for saving me.

So please, if you’re reading this and you are currently or have been struggling, don’t fight alone….
I was quiet for so long, until I broke and I am so glad I did, because yes, people wont understand and tear you down, but you will find there is also people out there, like the ones in my life who actually care about you when you need pulled out of this horrible destroying rut. Keep holding on, we’ll fight this and remember, you are a ”sparkling recoverer”.

Bex ❤

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16 thoughts on “A sparkling recoverer?

  1. This is such an accurate post, so many people see eating disorders as self inflicted and just an extreme case of vanity, It is a horrible disease because I don’t feel that there is a true cure that will rid you of it for good, x
    I lost a fair few friends because of my eating disorder but I have realised that if they were not prepared to stand by me and support me then they aren’t good enough to be your friend x
    Stay strong

    X

    • Hello Erin,

      Thank you so much for your comment and understanding, you’re so right, people are really far to quick to judge, so therefore I felt this post was necessary to get out there. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read it :). I am truly sorry you lost friends over this horrible disease. You’re right now, honestly, they aren’t true friends, if they don’t want to stick by you when times are tough. When you’re engrossed with this illness, you need all the support and love you can get…so as another sufferer, I will support you also, you stay strong lovely, you’re a sparkling recoverer.

  2. I ended up in hospital over the summer with it and you could tell that some of the nurses just couldn’t understand why I was the way that I was and it was just infuriating, although saying that some of them were simply amazing, you are very brave writing about it!
    I have learnt who my true friends are and made some unreadable bonds as a result, my mum is my best friend too and I just don’t know what I would do without her, she is so strong,
    Sending lots of support and hugs

    X

  3. I’m sooo sorry you had to end up in hospital, I sincerely hope you’re okay, health wise 🙂 Very brave girl you are, to have to endure that ordeal, as I know how hard it is, when people who are supposed to be professionals and understand the most,….simply just don’t. It is very infuriating, unfortunately to those people, it’s just a ”job” or really do not have a true understanding of an ”eating disorder”. I’m extremely happy you have the support of your mamma, that’s fantastic, I really feel that’s so important to have that bond. Stay strong, sending lots of support and hugs back! 🙂

    • I think that going into hospital finally made me realise just how bad it was getting, sort of hitting rock bottom, yeah I’m much better than what I was thank goodness! It is so awful when the people who are supposed to be sympathetic are just not,
      Mums are just the best thing in the world, especially when they are your best friend, it is daft but it always shocks me when people say that they don’t get on with their mum, (everyone has their own problems I suppose)
      Have you got any plans in regards to your education? Sorry to sound a bit teachery there haha

      Strength being sent by the bucketload!

      X

  4. Ahh,that’s wonderful, you’re a true inspiration! I’m so happy you were able to come to terms with it all, that can be really distressing. It is not daft one bit, in fact it’s really strange and ironic you mentioned that, because I’ve always been shocked when people tell me they don’t get on with their mums!!!, Like, they always look at me as if I’m crazy when I tell them my mum’s my best friend and how good of a relationship we have. I am actually studying Art and graphic design at the moment, after however, not sure where my plan is at. Anymore, I think i’m just letting life run it’s course.
    How about you, lovely?
    Fantastic blog by the way, do you have any other social media I can follow you on? I’ve pinterest, tumblr, twitter, facebook and instagram, so feel free to follow me if you’d like!
    Lots of hope and faith to you,
    Becca xxx

    • Well thank you, but as you will understand every day is a battle with little wins 🙂
      Finally somebody who can understand! People give me funny looks when I tell them that my mum is my best friend and all I can think is ‘ your mum isn’t your best friend?!’ Haha, mums are better than regular friends as they will tell you things that friends wouldn’t say and you know that they truly want the best for you whereas friends can sometimes have nastier motives,
      Wow that sounds really interesting, I wish that I was more creative, sometimes the best thing that you can do is let life run its course, I’m finally starting to realise that myself
      At the moment I am doing sixth form part time so I am going to have to do an extra year of school but I’m warming to that because I need to get myself better before I go head first into exams and things, I change my mind every day about what I want to do haha
      I shall be following you, thank you 🙂

      Erin
      xxx

      • Oh I have facebook, pinterest (as of this morning haha) xxx

      • Hey Miss Erin, 🙂

        Ahh yeah, people give me weird looks to, but end of the day…your mum wont ever abandon or hurt you, so she’s the best one to have close to your heart, i believe 🙂 Absolutely, each day is little wins, you’re an inspiration. I love being creative, art though can sometimes be extremely time consumming and stressful, unfortunately people don’t really see the horrible ”research/written” side too it. I do love it though, but honestly, i’m the same….each day I change my mind, there’s toooo much out there I want to do. You’ve got the right idea though, stay in school for as long as you can, have you prepared for that big bad world!
        Thank you for the follow on pinterest, I just followed you back :D!
        Have a wonderful weekend, wee woman 🙂

      • Feel free to find me on facebook also :https://www.facebook.com/beccasparkles13

  5. Hi Becca,

    I’ve just come across your blog and noticed this post on anorexia and want to wish you every success in your recovery. I understand completely the complexities and depth of this truly horrible illness. Anorexia isn’t something which comes on overnight but slowly gets its grip on you and certainly isn’t a passing diet or bid to become thin. I urge you to get help wherever you can whether that be “professional” or take the help from your friends and family. I developed anorexia at 18 and the last 11 years have been a cycle of hospital visits and stays, appointments with some very good and not so good dieticians and therapists –Throughout that time I’ve gained weight in hospital but unfortunately the obsessions and routines of anorexia found their way back to me

    Although I’ve managed to get a degree and hold down a job, I’m at a stage now where I know I need to get myself healthy to be able to reach my full potential and be free from the constant thoughts and obsessions of the illness.

    Please if you want any advice or support or even recovery tips or someone to understand send me an email.

    Laura xx

    • Hello Laura,

      Firstly, thank you so much for your wonderful reply to my post. I truly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read it even 🙂
      Most importantly though, congratulations on your degree, that is absolutely fantastic, you’re a true inspiration making this a goal and accomplishment given your circumstances. I am so terribly sorry, you too have to go through this ongoing battle of Anorexia, I’m sorry you had to be in hospital and come across some not so understanding people in your time, it’s simply unfair and you don’t deserve it ever. I am so proud of you that you gained weight, especially throughout those traumatic times, because that is never, ever, ever easy. I have every faith that you will most defiantly reach your full potential, your response automatically tells me how strong you are, you are a true inspiration to me and all other suffers out there. It is a long ongoing battle, and I know you too are still having your struggles, but the fact you’ve came this far, it means the world to me to know that it is possible. So never give up, you’re amazing. Thank you so much for your support, I truly truly appreciate any advise given, so thank you so much for this. Thank you for understanding also, I’ve so much respect for you already.
      I wish you a wonderful, healthy weekend lovely!
      You’re truly a sparkling recoverer!

  6. elaine

    Hey little sis,
    Just came across your blog ( Didnt even know you had one) your a wee sneek lol. So let me just start by saying that after reading your blog and getting over the shock of some of the things you have said how very proud and honoured i am to be your sister. I know this pass couple of years mostly last year has been hard for you but you have had so much strengh to deal with it so never ever think that you are weak or that you cant achieve anything that you set out to do. You are very brave to highlight the struggles that you face everyday and i just wanted you to know that me and everyone else are always here for you anytime night or day even if its just for a cuddle. As for the people who have hurt you, dont deserve to be in you life. Let them go, move on, and be happy. They dont understand what a beautiful young women you are. You make my heart happy everytime im with you even if we just randomly burst into song which everyone finds annoying so head up, chin up and stay strong bexs i love you so much your an inspration. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    • Oh dear god, now i’m gurning my eyes out like a big sap haha. I love you to the friggin moon and back, you make my heart smile more like….I truly have the best sisters anyone could ever wish for. You are so strong too, all the shit you’ve been through, you’re a true inspiration to me and I totally look up to you, you’re a complete role model, and no one should ever make you feel any less than amazing, because that’s what you are.
      Thank you so much for being there for me, honestly, I probably wouldn’t be half as strong, if it wasn’t for you and everyone elses love and support.
      Randomly bursting into song with you, is honestly always going to be one of my most favourite thing to do and favourite, special little memories with you that I will keep forever in my heart You mean the world and more to me, so thank you for just being my sister. Lets face it, you give the best snuggly cuddles in the world, you’ve no idea how much they cheer me up and make me feel safe.
      If I had the chance to choose my family, I can put my hand on my heart and say, I would choose you to be my big sister, each and every time.
      I love you to death, big sis. Thank you so much for reading my blog post and understanding and not judging me….that alone means the world and beyond to me. Stay strong, and remember, I truly am enchanted to have you in my life ❤
      Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
      Your little sis ❤ xox

  7. Lissa

    I completely understand your feelings about the poor, misguided people who promote anorexia or any form of eating disorder. I’m 20 now, and have been struggling with anorexia for four years. It ruined my hair, ruined my bones (I have osteopenia) ruined my plans for schooling (and pulled me out of high school, despite my protests), and made me lose the majority of my friends. I have spent far too much time in hospitals being poked and prodded.
    Keep fighting. It will get easier, in time. Remember that you’re not fighting for your family, or friends, or anyone else. You are fighting for you. You deserve a healthy, happy life – one where you’re not constantly battling with the voices in your head. Allow others to help you. Voice your feelings. Trust in yourself.
    And remember that it’s easy to slip back, so don’t go easy on yourself either. there are no “rest days” in recovery!

    • Hello Lissa 🙂

      Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my blog post, I truly appreciate that.
      I am very sorry that you also had to endure this horrible ordeal. Especially when hospital was involved, however from your post, it tells me how far you’ve came, just by reading your words.
      You are a true inspiration to me and all the other sufferers out there. It means the world to me, the advise you have given, you are so right, there really isn’t rest days within recovery, it is always a constant battle of strength.
      You too, deserve a healthy life, and I wish you that and more.
      I am truly inspired by your comments and story. So thank you so much for taking the time out of your day, to pass on your story and advise. You are amazing, so stay strong….lots of support and love given your way from me also. 🙂
      You too, are a sparkling recoverer ❤

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